Tag Archives: the first time

Yes Means Yes: When is a Virgin a Virgin?

This post contains discussion of sex which may not be suitable for some readers

Recently I have been reading ‘Yes Means Yes‘, a collection of essays which talk about female sexuality and consent and how stereotypical visions of female sexuality contribute to a rape culture. It’s a powerful book. I had planned to get to the end and then talk about it overall as I would do with a book normally, but recently some of the articles have really been getting in my head and I feel like it might be better to write down some thoughts specifically on those articles. I probably won’t do this for every article but it seems like a better way to look at it, and I will do a sort of summery post when I’m completely done.

This is my sixth of these review/thought posts for Yes Means Yes, (and probably the last bar an overall roundup) you can read the rest here:

Touch and Consent / Killing Misogyny / The First Time / Sex Education / Nice Guys Finish Last

The Process-Orientated Virgin

-Hanne Blank

When Blank met her first process-orientated virgin she was rather taken-aback. This woman had being having sex for over a year before she considered her virginity lost, because that was the first time she had an orgasm.

I’ve heard before of people claiming multiple types of virginity, hetrosexual virginty, gay/lesbian virginity, anal virginity, but never about people claiming that virginity could carry on after some sort of sexual intercourse had occurred (although many may say it has to be penis in vagina sex for virginity to be lost).

But the more I think about it the more I like the idea. It’s sort of freeing. It says sex should be enjoyed, so until I enjoy sex, it’s not really sex. And hey, how many people actually really enjoy their first time? They don’t really know what they’re doing. Their nervous. There can be blood and generally unsexy things going on. For many it can be too quick, or painful (not all but a not painful time tends to be seen as a good first time, as discussed previously in the book).

I like the idea that you can think that your first time is when you experienced good sex. When you feel like you have lost all your virgin ideas and naivety, and that’s just for those who choose when to have sex. Think of how liberating it could be for rape survivors to really loose their virginity when they choose.

Plus it gets rid of that whole thing of what loss of virginity is, because it’s decided by the virgin.

What do you think? Can virginity be redefined like this? Should it just be first time sex? Of hetrosexual type or of prefered type?


Filed under essays, Feminism, non-fiction review