Tag Archives: relationships

Yes Means Yes: When is a Virgin a Virgin?


This post contains discussion of sex which may not be suitable for some readers

Recently I have been reading ‘Yes Means Yes‘, a collection of essays which talk about female sexuality and consent and how stereotypical visions of female sexuality contribute to a rape culture. It’s a powerful book. I had planned to get to the end and then talk about it overall as I would do with a book normally, but recently some of the articles have really been getting in my head and I feel like it might be better to write down some thoughts specifically on those articles. I probably won’t do this for every article but it seems like a better way to look at it, and I will do a sort of summery post when I’m completely done.

This is my sixth of these review/thought posts for Yes Means Yes, (and probably the last bar an overall roundup) you can read the rest here:

Touch and Consent / Killing Misogyny / The First Time / Sex Education / Nice Guys Finish Last

The Process-Orientated Virgin

-Hanne Blank

When Blank met her first process-orientated virgin she was rather taken-aback. This woman had being having sex for over a year before she considered her virginity lost, because that was the first time she had an orgasm.

I’ve heard before of people claiming multiple types of virginity, hetrosexual virginty, gay/lesbian virginity, anal virginity, but never about people claiming that virginity could carry on after some sort of sexual intercourse had occurred (although many may say it has to be penis in vagina sex for virginity to be lost).

But the more I think about it the more I like the idea. It’s sort of freeing. It says sex should be enjoyed, so until I enjoy sex, it’s not really sex. And hey, how many people actually really enjoy their first time? They don’t really know what they’re doing. Their nervous. There can be blood and generally unsexy things going on. For many it can be too quick, or painful (not all but a not painful time tends to be seen as a good first time, as discussed previously in the book).

I like the idea that you can think that your first time is when you experienced good sex. When you feel like you have lost all your virgin ideas and naivety, and that’s just for those who choose when to have sex. Think of how liberating it could be for rape survivors to really loose their virginity when they choose.

Plus it gets rid of that whole thing of what loss of virginity is, because it’s decided by the virgin.

What do you think? Can virginity be redefined like this? Should it just be first time sex? Of hetrosexual type or of prefered type?

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Filed under essays, Feminism, non-fiction review

Yes Means Yes: Nice Guys Finish Last


Recently I have been reading ‘Yes Means Yes‘, a collection of essays which talk about female sexuality and consent and how stereotypical visions of female sexuality contribute to a rape culture. It’s a powerful book. I had planned to get to the end and then talk about it overall as I would do with a book normally, but recently some of the articles have really been getting in my head and I feel like it might be better to write down some thoughts specifically on those articles. I probably won’t do this for every article but it seems like a better way to look at it, and I will do a sort of summery post when I’m completely done.

This is my fifth of these review/thought posts for Yes Means Yes, you can read the rest here:

Touch and Consent / Killing Misogyny / The First Time / Sex Education

Why Nice Guys Finish Last

-Julia Serano

‘Why Nice Guys Finish Last’ is probably the article which will be the most controversial amongst feminists, simply because it suggests that women (or more accurately girls) have an active part to play in destroying rape culture. This is somewhat at odds with the idea that girls shouldn’t act in a certain way to avoid rape, however I can certainly understand her argument.

Serano is transgender so she has the advantage of having seen the issue from a male and a female perspective. She has experienced some of the sexist issues which many women experience, but spent her years at school and college as a man.

Serano’s argument is based around the idea of men as predators and women as prey, she says that because women often act like prey that influences men to act as predators.

Serano particularly focussed on how ‘bad’ guys seemed to attract more women than nice guys (actually nice guys, not the type who act nice until they hear no). She says that this influences nice guys to act like bad guys to attract women, and eventually for them to morph into bad guys, because women ‘like it’.

The whole women ‘like it’ argument comes out a little similar to the ‘she was asking for it’ idea, and that’s more what puts me off this than the actual argument. I’m also unsure that the whole women acting like prey thing is completely true. I know plenty of people who date nice guys, and I can’t think of anyone who says they prefer bad guys (although in a general way I have heard the ‘bad guys are hot’ idea), plus I don’t think many people would stick with a bad guy, they might date them but if they are really bad guys then that’s not something which they would commit to. Even if bad guys get more girls I wouldn’t be surprised if nice guys end up in more committed relationships (although those who are interested just in sex are probably going to be the ones who go for it).

What do you think? Do women act like prey? Does that impact on how they are treated by men? Do nice guys really finish last?

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Filed under essays, Feminism, non-fiction review